Dear Lord

Thank you for blessing me with a baby that sleeps. Anytime. Anyplace. I think he does what babies are supposed to do. His big sister? Not so much.....at least not when she was a baby.....

Grr, ugh, and sigh

This morning was our first trial run at getting up, showered, dressed and fed by 7:45. I am happy to report that it was successful and we all survived! Then I decided after dropping Allison off at her preschool, that I would stop in the baby room to "let" the teachers hold and swoon over Alex. Then the grr, ugh, and sighs started and some tears. I hate this. I don't like change and I want to be with my baby!! I hate pumping (the things I have done for breast milk are embarrassing!) and I am not sure how I feel about working. My boss has this whole "a patients first" mentality. Which given the state of healthcare and the endless medical mistakes isn't a bad thing, but I don't make mistakes, I'm careful and honest with my patients I don't want my patients to interfere with my family time!, ugh! Then there's my husband who's has almost drawn his sword with is proclamations of, "you will go back to work". Sigh. Then there's me. The therapist who's really loves her job and her patients. It's just that I know how the story goes....they run late, they have insurance issues, the paperwork, the meetings....it's just not all that exciting to me anymore. I hope this feeling goes away and once I am back I'm not sucked into the crap. I feel like I'm doing the right thing and honestly my schedule is not that awful. I'll see patients Tues, Thurs and Friday and in the office at 8:30, done by 3. Grr, ugh. At a least that's when the patient leaves, if they are on time and don't need extra paperwork! Which trust me they usually do! Sigh. I hate the thought of someone holding Alex and seeing him smile and coo and laugh. I really do. I just don't know how to balance it all right now. Daycare is expensive and I want to make it worthwhile and Allison really enjoys her preschool and the program. It's just my baby boy that I will miss terribly. And to make matters worse, this isn't a financial issue. I don't have to work. It's a lifestyle thing. We (more he) wants to be able to anywhere we want, buy what ever we want, etc. Trust me I enjoy that too, I just don't know what I would prefer right now that luxury or the time with Alex. Sometimes 3 months isn't enough. I'm going back with an open mind and I hope the empty pit in my stomach and heart gets better. Grr, ugh and sigh.